That's one way of taking the tree down . . .

Raj said he fell into the Christmas tree in Sunrise's entryway yesterday during a syncopal episode, but only hurt his finger. I didn't ask about the tree.

Raj vs Reality

When you ask Raj how he's doing, he will always say he's fine. When he fell and broke his nose in July 2009, he told the EMTs they didn't need to treat him . . . he simply wanted a white plate to bleed on. Part of it is his mental perception - he doesn't notice anything wrong, so he assumes the status quo - and the the other part is the progression of Mild Cognitive Impairment - diminished ability to feel/recognize pain.

Similarly, when you ask whether he's taking his meds, he will always confirm that he is, since he sees no difference between taking a pill once/month vs once/day; If he remembers EVER taking a dose, he's "compliant" in his estimation; So, when the doctors in his Sleep Consult asked whether Raj was using his C-PAP at night to treat his sleep apnea, he answered in the affirmative. He just chuckled when they downloaded the activity from the card in the machine to reveal using it 4 nights out of the last 180. So now we need to get him using the C-PAP again before they can explore narcolepsy, because poor sleep at night (averages 60 events of losing consciousness per hour) means nodding off during the day.

Contempt?

So I kind of forgot to appear in court for Raj's foreclosure on Dave's house on 12/8, but nobody has hauled either of us off to jail . . . In the meantime, CitiMortgage made us accept the short sale offer, so they'll appraise it again and respond. I stopped by last week, and didn't see either of the ramps, so I guess whatever is left in the house is necessary to clear out.

I'm also waiting to hear back from Rush about a hospital stay for 2 tests needed on Raj. Hope to get this done by year-end, since it should max out our out-of-pocket medical expenses & get covered after that by insurance.

In other news, I'm softening on the idea of a dog for Ruth. Julie gets so much comfort from her pet, and Ruth could probably really benefit from the responsibility and companionship. I just have so many 2-legged creatures to care for, that I cringe at the thought of adding a 4-legged creature onto the pile.

Progress

Dave just realized that his cell phone number being associated with Raj's account might be a bad thing, now that Raj is in foreclosure for his house. The bank could (potentially) come after those he has accounts with, so suddenly, he was able to separate his cell phone from our account! This is progress, and I'll take it anywhere I can get it!

Luckily, Raj was actually in the dentist chair when his tooth split, so they followed his cleaning with a filling repair - $700 later, he can safely chew again.

Apparently, boarding up the vacant house on our land wasn't enough and our trespassers have returned to break in - maybe to recover something stashed in the house? And they're attempting a "crop" of some sort in our field with some Miracle-Gro . . .

Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

More on Dave

I left a message for the BIL on his voicemail this morning asking whether he has gotten everything he wants out of the house, where he left off with any Estate Sale businesses, and how to split out the cell phone account. He left a civil (thank God!) voicemail in response, basically fishing for specific dates that the court/bank have set. The problem with giving any specific dates is that, whenever I've given dates/deadlines before, he reacts with threats of violence and name-calling. He spent through the entire parents' Estate 8 months ago, won't provide an address of where he's living now, and is utterly exhausting to deal with. Lord, give me the strength to get through the last of his drama!

Another fall

Raj fell & hit his head on a stair railing at Sunrise on Sunday afternoon, so I met him and the ambulance at St. Alexius. The only thing they found, besides a bump on his head, was low blood sugar, so glucose & pain meds were given & he was released. We'll follow up with his PCP, then the neuro, . . . but since he wasn't admitted this time, it'll be more expensive, and I'm already on a payment plan with that hospital. At least I sold the Camry, so we'll have that cash freed up to pay medical bills!

Didn't get in Friday, but Monday, I was able to (with the help of free legal aid & waived fees) file an Appearance and Answer to the Foreclosure Summons on the BIL's house.

Out with the old; In with the new

Raj is slowly stabilizing on regular meds & sleep; In hindsight, his regression actually helped a few things - since I had to push back several scheduled appointments and tests, I saved a good amount of money, and I also had a bit of extra time to accomplish some much-needed activities: Got the Sienna door fixed (can open/close now, just not automatically), sold the Camry (dropped insurance & discontinued plates), got the depression couch & chair ripped up enough to fit out the deck door & replaced with new couch, made extra payment on primary mortgage, sought free legal services for advice on BIL's house/foreclosure, and just received an offer on that house today! Halleluia!

Random Stuff

So grateful today to be sitting safely in my house, while the wind snaps branches and pushes the rain clouds out of the area . . . Researching candidates for a meaningful vote this election . . . Pondering forgiveness . . . Hoping the Lord hears my prayers . . . Wondering how long a body can last in crisis mode, and how to break out of it . . . Searching for the right words to communicate to Dave that this is the end, that I can't enable him any more . . . Feeling frustrated that I can't lift the "depression couch" by myself to rid our lives of it . . . Balancing everyone else's needs against my own . . . Wishing my neck didn't hurt so much . . . Missing Concordia . . . Needing a haircut . . . Wanting to help those who are aching, lonely, overwhelmed, separated from God . . . Hating when good people make bad choices, and keep making them . . . Loving my mommy . . . Considering the lilies . . . Believing it's too bad that Halloween falls on a Sunday this year . . . Rescheduling more doctor's appointments and tests . . .

And that's all I have to say about that.

Received Summons . . .

for the foreclosure on the BIL's house 10/11; I guess I always thought "getting served" would include an envelope - nothing so formal. I signed as my husband's POA, but it was weird to see my name included as a defendant (spouse is usually notified, apparently, even when I'm not on the mortgage). There were 8 showings at that house, and no offers, so we dropped the price. I called Citi Preservation to request mowing the lawn & confirm the property has been winterized.

Getting Raj back on meds is taking time; He says he's adding a few doses here and there, but at least I've spoken with the nurse so there is more monitoring. The consequence, not picking him up for weekly church and Bible Study, will stay in place until he stablizes more. In other news, the minivan door won't open, still can't find a hubcab to replace the one that's missing, and the Camry had a nail in a tire.

Listings on properties

Both the BIL's house and the land are now listed for sale; Praying this stuff moves forward.

Got the notice on the BIL's house

that foreclosure proceedings have begun. He left a message a while ago, wanting to know my mailing address to "reimburse" me for all his extra cell phone charges recently. Instead of this, he forwarded a utility bill, just another thing he won't pay on his 6-year-free stay. I think I found a real estate agent that will list the house, without it being cleared of the renter's possessions. It would be so nice to move beyond some of this.

Why does this keep surprising me?!

Duh. Why didn't I read my own blog? Raj's behavior getting less predictable and physical symptoms worsening, lying, impatience & irritability? And Julie's meltdowns always provide a prelude . . .

I saw his med log at the doctor's Monday, and he hasn't taken 2 of his mental-health meds and the colitis med for at least a month, and has several other mistakes on his log (which meds, doses). No wonder he signed up to be someone's wedding photographer without even talking to me about it, and he suddenly remembered a suicide attempt from years ago, and he emailed Y-Princess management stuff at 1am yesterday, and won't stick to our daily check-in time, and he's hoarding cash he's making by taking pictures at Sunrise . . .

This time last year, he stole a credit card & talked somebody into dropping him off at our home (instead of assisted living, where he resides) to surprise my mom and kids while I was away for the weekend. It took about 9 months to have his mental state stabilized enough to be honest about falls (when he'd remember), and for others to feel safe around him, but now we seem to have lost all that progress; And he's irritable and accusing me, on top of it all!

Granted, this isn't as bad as putting some Thailand acreage on our credit card or streaking through the community, but it's still very hard. Who is there but me to clean up these messes? To call the appropriate doctor & battle for insurance coverage? To tell my kids that Daddy is making bad choices, and they probably need to give him some space now?

A little bit of everything

BIL continues to run up extra cell phone charges, and has offered to reimburse me (in between other complaints/threats), but I'll believe THAT when I see it! Lockbox is on that house, so I'll need to call Citi & get the code for whatever R.E. agent I can get to list it. I've interviewed several, and gotten interesting feedback.

There's been possible gang (or gang-wannabe) activity at the vacant house Raj's parents used to live in, so called the police/sheriff to investigate & asked for assistance boarding up that house, which is now listed for sale. The tax assessor has the house listed as "average"!!

Survived my first virus on the laptop at home; It's fixed now.

Raj has tried committing to activities that are beyond his capabilities (e.g. wedding photography), forgetting to ask ahead of time, not calling at the regular time daily, etc. I'm noticing this is similar to the same time last year. Ruth and I attended a Kane County Cougars game (Sunrise outing) on Labor Day with him, but he didn't make the costs clear ahead of time, and the luau/pigroast in August was expensive, too.

Man, this stuff is exhausting!

Raj medical update

Raj has been pretty "high maintenance" the past couple of weeks, and his condition has declined. He looks unstable on stairs, can't reach for items on the floor, can't seem to squat, gets winded walking, etc. The pass-outs and falls are more frequent and he can't ever explain cuts/scrapes/bruises. The pulmonologist, cardiologist, psychologist and his PCP all point to possible neurological sources for his pass-outs; So I discussed options with his neurology practice, and made an appointment with one that specializes in seizures. I hadn't thought of his "episodes" in that way before, but he often convulses, makes gurgling noises, stiffens up, and never remembers what happened after an episode.

Property Secured

Visited the house last Friday, and new lock is on door, but garage code is still active, so that's the way BIL gets in/out anyway. Citi considers the house "secured" now, but needs to put a lockbox on the front door. Hopefully, "stuff" is getting cleared from the house, so we can list it and move forward!

Better today

Talked to the HUD Counselor yesterday, and things look much better. Finally learned the answers to a couple of important questions, including the impact of Dave's house loan (short sale/deed in lieu) on my credit = NONE! Luckily, since the mortgage/deed in only in Raj's name, I should be able to move forward to support my family once the nightmare of the BIL's house is over. Apparently, Raj is protected from being sued (another worry I had, due to Dave's erratic behavior/threats) due to his disabilities, so this is a relief, also. I still don't know whether the property has been "secured" and still don't have a real estate agent willing to list it, but I'm making progress!

Two steps forward, two steps back . . .

CitiBank is unable to "secure" BIL's house because his stuff is still in there (and his neighbor is nosy), but he called today saying he can't get in. Real estate agent and I were both able to get in through the garage yesterday, so I don't know which is accurate. Real estate agent won't list the property now. Can't wait to talk to a HUD counselor tomorrow!

Dinner out!

Several of Raj's friends are taking him out to dinner tonight - yay!

High Blood Pressure

Raj called yesterday morning, saying he had a bad headache & BP of 170/130. Sunrise called Dr. Pierce, and as far as I know, he didn't respond; Luckily, Raj rested & took Tylenol & the blood pressure did come down. Glad to have Mom home safely from her fishing trip.

Surprise!

Dave was at the house when Julie and I stopped by today! He said he was getting more of his stuff out of there, and let us know where the keys are. He also said he'd paid the overdue utilities after selling the snow blower and lawn mower. Thank goodness he was OK in front of Julie!

Oh, well

Two steps forward, one step back, . . . Raj's procedure (brachioscopy) didn't show anything besides asymetry of the throat and the extra neck tissue associated with his sleep apnea, and we owed almost $400 for the previous test at the hospital. The Fannie Mae appraiser didn't want to deal with me & said his service is paid for by the bank, so he took several pictures (internal & external) and winced at the mess and state of disrepair that Dave left it in. He confirmed that the house will NOT be worth anywhere near what we owe. But I did call the Citi Short Sale Dept to confirm that we've been assigned an agent there, and the appraisal was her first order of business.

Should be an interesting day tomorrow

Raj has a procedure at the hospital - endoscope or brachioscopy or something to see the tissue inside where the cough syncope originates. Then I meet the Fannie Mae representative at Dave's house for an internal inspection of that property. Lord give me strength!

Back to reality

Had a refreshingly fun weekend with friends, then dinner with other friends last night, which really rejuvenates . . . Perhaps that's how I had the energy to prep Julie's room for the maids coming today. Why does a kid layer pencil and crayon shavings between play food and her clothes? And how do I pick up hundreds of 2-mm beads that have been crushed into the mesh of her hamper or mixed into the carpeting with her hamster's poop? I'm hip to recycling, but what possesses her to pick items out of the trash & recycle bins to make clothes/accessories for her doll, mixing perishable foodstuffs with Play-dough (sp?) and fabric? I distinctly remember the ability to color without dumping every crayon in the house out first. 'Nuff said.

Updates

Raj has had several falls, luckily none with injuries, throughout the past weeks. His doctor added a 3rd cholesterol medication recently, referred to GI specialist at NW Memorial, upper GI & X-ray of esophagus. Major drama with Dave (BIL) most of yesterday - Apparently, he moved out 6/2 and attempted to stop the billing from utilities, and without the account (or any other) info, I couldn't do anything. So yesterday, he called to tell us he'd gone over on the cell phone minutes & that he would provide the account info for the utilities, so as homeowners, we could figure out how to proceed during the short sale/foreclosure.

The BIL . . .

is safely moved out of the house, to "somewhere" - he won't tell where that is, but that's OK.

Raj fell again . . .

Yesterday; He said it was in the lobby area at Sunrise, where it's covered in carpet, and that he's fine. His BP was high, but other vitals fine.

This is . . .

harder on my kids than I thought; Raj fell in a store during an outing in May, and wasn't hurt badly, but his safety remains a concern in the backs of our minds. More people have seen him in "pass out" mode at church, in restaurants, at Small Group. I thought I was able to buffer my girls quite a bit from the worst of the worries, but recent events have shown me otherwise.

The truth eventually comes out, . . .

Doesn't it? Ever since mid-March, when I told my BIL that he spent the entire Estate and needed to look for housing, he's been making up elaborate lies with frightening/erratic behavior. Because I couldn't weed through the constant barrage of his emotional outbursts to get to the truth, I did some investigating. I used the resources and information I had to determine that he DOES have multiple choices on places to live, he DOES have a lot more money/resources than I was aware of, and he DOES have multiple agencies and friends in regular contact with him to assist him.

Today, we start a new chapter in our family: CitiMortgage is now aware that we can't afford any more payments on that house, and has begun processing the paperwork for foreclosure/short sale. My BIL refuses to tell us where he's going or when he's leaving, so I guess he can just deal with CitiBank, now that the property is their responsibility. Besides the hundreds of thousands in monetary support over the past decade, from this day forward, I'm ending the emotional support. I won't subject myself or my kids to his verbal abuse or make any more excuses for his behavior/choices just because he's my husband's brother and has a disability.

As time goes on, I may learn additional detail about my BIL's situation, but none of it will change the facts I know today. Maybe someday, he'll change or ask for forgiveness or even admit to everything he's done; But today, I give that up to God - what a burden lifted!

Sharing the burden helped

I was one of the speakers at the Celebrate Women of Faith gathering at church on 4/24, and it helped to get some of that "stuff" off my chest. It also helped to be reminded of others and their struggles. The day before that, I attended a memorial service for a friend who is now widowed. My situation is not all that bad, and it will pass. I just need to remember that!

So hopeless . . .

Can't stop crying

Reggie's gone

Mom's 4-legged buddy, Reggie White, passed away overnight of old age. Sometimes a dog can witness in a way humans can't, so Julie felt it was time to secure her place in Heaven. I assisted in her prayer to accept Christ. What a blessing this little dog has been!

Met with the banker yesterday . . .

And the land appraised for only 15% of its previously-estimated value, so we're already over-extended on the Line of Credit. The bank will get back to me regarding options on paying it back, but that leaves no options for the house my brother-in-law is in. OK, so I get it that God is closing this door, but where's the open door? I don't know where I'm supposed to go from here.

Spring med change

Raj's doctor is adjusting his meds to counteract the mania he tends to at this time of year; So far, it seems to be under control.

It's hard to fathom . . .

the venom that can come from my BIL. Now, he's spewing to my mom, since Raj and I aren't taking his emotional abuse. I've found several leads for his housing, free to him as a Medicaid recipient, and sent a lot of information to him Saturday regarding additional assistance. He has options, but isn't really ready for that, so I screen phone calls/emails until he can communicate with civility, and I try to protect my kids from the reality that he values money/possessions and hate above all else. Makes me sick to my stomach.

Need housing for Raj's brother

With no one else able to do so, I've been paying all of Raj's disabled brother's expenses for the past 3 years, using the proceeds of their parents' estate. The terrible real estate market, coupled with bankrupt/depressed investments, has finally caught up with his growing needs and expenses. I used some of the kids' college savings to pay his mortgage & bills March 1, and have shared the news with him. He's alternately sad/angry/suicidal, and has no one to blame, so it's falling to Raj and me. The immediate need is housing for him, since I'm guessing we'll face foreclosure on the house he's in.

All I want to know . . .

is how I got to this point? As a child, I didn't say "When I grow up, I'm going to be a punching bag for an in-law with a severe case of entitlement."

I need

a vacation

I'm so grateful

. . . for Lou I. spending most of his Sunday afternoon here yesterday, helping to assemble the IKEA drawers for my girls. It will be so nice for them to put their clothes into dressers that they don't have to fight to open/close.
. . . for Tom O. arranging rides for Raj to participate in the Job Jars at church!
. . . for Mom going through the laundry room, sorting through old shoes, cleaning up, helping me in endless ways.
. . . for friends/family willing to meet me for lunch, offer a kind word on email or Facebook, or give me a hug!
. . . for the increasing sunshine (and no bugs yet!) of springtime.
. . . for music that can lift my mood, take me back, provide comfort, get me moving, and speak to my soul.
. . . for humor.

All I want to know . . .

is why I don't have access to the Estate assets to pay Raj's brother's bills? Since I've spent pretty much all funds available on those expenses, I now need to sell the land (immediately - Ha! not gonna happen) or sell the remaining stocks from the Estate. I can't. I also found out that as things are now (with Raj's claim being paid by the private disability insurance we paid into all these years), he'll NEVER qualify for Medicaid, no matter what happens to all assets!

Now the "White-outs"

Ever since Raj had the pacemaker placed & tweaked, he hasn't really admitted to passing out when coughing . . . until I saw it happen on Valentine's Day, in the car on the way home from church. He said today that he's experienced this (maybe) 3 times; and he calls it a "white-out" since the pacemaker kicks in and he doesn't think he actually loses consciousness. His PCP has started him on an additional cholesterol-lowering medication, also.

Changing Face of Friendship

I've been trying to deny it for a while now, but it's happened. Dear friends of mine are more distant, now that my "challenges" have gone on for so long. What separates the people in my life, I think, is their perspective on the passage of time; Some focus on the tasks at hand - jobs, spouses, kids - while others look at the long-term, and most of us can switch between the two, as life necessitates. I used to spend all my time in camp #1, now I'm kind of stuck in camp #2, which makes me a lot harder to be around.

Everything I do has consequences, and I'm having a harder time determining which actions matter the most; So I kind of carry around a big cloud over my head - not on purpose, I assure you, but close friends can see the weather system, and they're tired of trying to pull me out from under it. I understand, of course. They've run out of things to say. It's hard being friends with people with chronic conditions and their families. I just hope there are a few strong souls, who can take breaks from my circumstances, as needed, and still remain in my life. Words are optional.

Being a Caregiver

is tough. When one emergency is averted, another rears its ugly head. At Raj's recent neurologist visit, he tested well on memory; He's also memorized the answers to the questions they use over & over, so at least he has that ability. Cognitively, he's so SSSSSSSSLLLLLLOOOOWWWW; It's hard to carry on a conversation, because he can only focus for short periods of time. Recently, when he wasn't able to subtract 7 from 93, he asked if that's why he's not at work, then immediately diverted attention to the next shiny object. He can only perform one-step directions, coughing has gotten worse again, tremors more disruptive (e.g. spilled syrup at brunch, unable to steady it), and confusion is more frequent. Then today I found out the facility that I'd kept in mind for him, long-term, probably won't be a good fit. Discouraging, because it took almost a year for me to find THAT one! I've also just been assigned to the 3rd Resource Manager at Raj's employer, who might be handling his leave of absence/disability differently (um, in a bad way).

All I want to know . . .

is how does Julie's little hamster get ahold of a feather boa on a nearby surface & shred it up INSIDE his cage? At least it got her to clean out the cage!

Medical/Mental Health Updates

In September & October of 2009, Raj was in mania, but I wasn't sure until I stumbled upon the stolen credit card & purchases. He got into all kinds of trouble, scared my mom and the kids, and left a trail of destruction that I'm getting used to cleaning up. During this time period, he took on management of his own meds at Sunrise (the assisted living facility he's been at since July), and his cognitive functioning seemed much better/quicker. He laughed and made jokes, attended meals out with friends, used a PC at Sunrise to play an online game with the kids; This cluster of symptoms also includes passive/aggressive behavior, lack of remorse, lying, threats, and distractibility.

Throughout November & December, his psychiatrist made various med changes to "bring him back down" and Raj switched to a new therapist. The frequency of the threats and other manic behavior lessened, as his mental abilities dramatically slowed again. The Social Security Disability claim was approved, and I hosted the whole family for Christmas Eve (Raj's first trip home since all the latest chaos).

January brought SS Disability retro-payments (back to June 2009), and various paperwork to submit for insurance/LTD. Raj also finished with Coumadin from the July blood clot. He says he feels depressed, but depends on the meds to take care of it for him. He's unable to follow directions with more than 1 step, perform simple math, or determine cause & effect; He doesn't recognize any limitations to his cognitive abilities, so he asks for some pretty weird stuff, given his circumstances.

Random Thoughts

OK, so I've been posting to this blog for more than a year. I wasn't sure what it would evolve into, but it appears to be more of a "venting" spot for me than anything else. I haven't heard from any followers for quite a while, so I'm assuming this to be one-sided communication. If you visit, you want to know how we're doing.

Throughout 2008 & 2009, I tried to include information under various sub-headings: health concerns, prayer requests, etc. But I don't think that's really benefitting anyone, so for 2010, I'm just going to type stuff, and the blog will date/timestamp it; Hopefully, this simplified approach means I can provide more frequent updates, just not as concise as before.