All I want to know . . .

is why I don't have access to the Estate assets to pay Raj's brother's bills? Since I've spent pretty much all funds available on those expenses, I now need to sell the land (immediately - Ha! not gonna happen) or sell the remaining stocks from the Estate. I can't. I also found out that as things are now (with Raj's claim being paid by the private disability insurance we paid into all these years), he'll NEVER qualify for Medicaid, no matter what happens to all assets!

Now the "White-outs"

Ever since Raj had the pacemaker placed & tweaked, he hasn't really admitted to passing out when coughing . . . until I saw it happen on Valentine's Day, in the car on the way home from church. He said today that he's experienced this (maybe) 3 times; and he calls it a "white-out" since the pacemaker kicks in and he doesn't think he actually loses consciousness. His PCP has started him on an additional cholesterol-lowering medication, also.

Changing Face of Friendship

I've been trying to deny it for a while now, but it's happened. Dear friends of mine are more distant, now that my "challenges" have gone on for so long. What separates the people in my life, I think, is their perspective on the passage of time; Some focus on the tasks at hand - jobs, spouses, kids - while others look at the long-term, and most of us can switch between the two, as life necessitates. I used to spend all my time in camp #1, now I'm kind of stuck in camp #2, which makes me a lot harder to be around.

Everything I do has consequences, and I'm having a harder time determining which actions matter the most; So I kind of carry around a big cloud over my head - not on purpose, I assure you, but close friends can see the weather system, and they're tired of trying to pull me out from under it. I understand, of course. They've run out of things to say. It's hard being friends with people with chronic conditions and their families. I just hope there are a few strong souls, who can take breaks from my circumstances, as needed, and still remain in my life. Words are optional.

Being a Caregiver

is tough. When one emergency is averted, another rears its ugly head. At Raj's recent neurologist visit, he tested well on memory; He's also memorized the answers to the questions they use over & over, so at least he has that ability. Cognitively, he's so SSSSSSSSLLLLLLOOOOWWWW; It's hard to carry on a conversation, because he can only focus for short periods of time. Recently, when he wasn't able to subtract 7 from 93, he asked if that's why he's not at work, then immediately diverted attention to the next shiny object. He can only perform one-step directions, coughing has gotten worse again, tremors more disruptive (e.g. spilled syrup at brunch, unable to steady it), and confusion is more frequent. Then today I found out the facility that I'd kept in mind for him, long-term, probably won't be a good fit. Discouraging, because it took almost a year for me to find THAT one! I've also just been assigned to the 3rd Resource Manager at Raj's employer, who might be handling his leave of absence/disability differently (um, in a bad way).