All I want to know . . .

is why I don't have access to the Estate assets to pay Raj's brother's bills? Since I've spent pretty much all funds available on those expenses, I now need to sell the land (immediately - Ha! not gonna happen) or sell the remaining stocks from the Estate. I can't. I also found out that as things are now (with Raj's claim being paid by the private disability insurance we paid into all these years), he'll NEVER qualify for Medicaid, no matter what happens to all assets!

Now the "White-outs"

Ever since Raj had the pacemaker placed & tweaked, he hasn't really admitted to passing out when coughing . . . until I saw it happen on Valentine's Day, in the car on the way home from church. He said today that he's experienced this (maybe) 3 times; and he calls it a "white-out" since the pacemaker kicks in and he doesn't think he actually loses consciousness. His PCP has started him on an additional cholesterol-lowering medication, also.

Changing Face of Friendship

I've been trying to deny it for a while now, but it's happened. Dear friends of mine are more distant, now that my "challenges" have gone on for so long. What separates the people in my life, I think, is their perspective on the passage of time; Some focus on the tasks at hand - jobs, spouses, kids - while others look at the long-term, and most of us can switch between the two, as life necessitates. I used to spend all my time in camp #1, now I'm kind of stuck in camp #2, which makes me a lot harder to be around.

Everything I do has consequences, and I'm having a harder time determining which actions matter the most; So I kind of carry around a big cloud over my head - not on purpose, I assure you, but close friends can see the weather system, and they're tired of trying to pull me out from under it. I understand, of course. They've run out of things to say. It's hard being friends with people with chronic conditions and their families. I just hope there are a few strong souls, who can take breaks from my circumstances, as needed, and still remain in my life. Words are optional.

Being a Caregiver

is tough. When one emergency is averted, another rears its ugly head. At Raj's recent neurologist visit, he tested well on memory; He's also memorized the answers to the questions they use over & over, so at least he has that ability. Cognitively, he's so SSSSSSSSLLLLLLOOOOWWWW; It's hard to carry on a conversation, because he can only focus for short periods of time. Recently, when he wasn't able to subtract 7 from 93, he asked if that's why he's not at work, then immediately diverted attention to the next shiny object. He can only perform one-step directions, coughing has gotten worse again, tremors more disruptive (e.g. spilled syrup at brunch, unable to steady it), and confusion is more frequent. Then today I found out the facility that I'd kept in mind for him, long-term, probably won't be a good fit. Discouraging, because it took almost a year for me to find THAT one! I've also just been assigned to the 3rd Resource Manager at Raj's employer, who might be handling his leave of absence/disability differently (um, in a bad way).

All I want to know . . .

is how does Julie's little hamster get ahold of a feather boa on a nearby surface & shred it up INSIDE his cage? At least it got her to clean out the cage!

Medical/Mental Health Updates

In September & October of 2009, Raj was in mania, but I wasn't sure until I stumbled upon the stolen credit card & purchases. He got into all kinds of trouble, scared my mom and the kids, and left a trail of destruction that I'm getting used to cleaning up. During this time period, he took on management of his own meds at Sunrise (the assisted living facility he's been at since July), and his cognitive functioning seemed much better/quicker. He laughed and made jokes, attended meals out with friends, used a PC at Sunrise to play an online game with the kids; This cluster of symptoms also includes passive/aggressive behavior, lack of remorse, lying, threats, and distractibility.

Throughout November & December, his psychiatrist made various med changes to "bring him back down" and Raj switched to a new therapist. The frequency of the threats and other manic behavior lessened, as his mental abilities dramatically slowed again. The Social Security Disability claim was approved, and I hosted the whole family for Christmas Eve (Raj's first trip home since all the latest chaos).

January brought SS Disability retro-payments (back to June 2009), and various paperwork to submit for insurance/LTD. Raj also finished with Coumadin from the July blood clot. He says he feels depressed, but depends on the meds to take care of it for him. He's unable to follow directions with more than 1 step, perform simple math, or determine cause & effect; He doesn't recognize any limitations to his cognitive abilities, so he asks for some pretty weird stuff, given his circumstances.

Random Thoughts

OK, so I've been posting to this blog for more than a year. I wasn't sure what it would evolve into, but it appears to be more of a "venting" spot for me than anything else. I haven't heard from any followers for quite a while, so I'm assuming this to be one-sided communication. If you visit, you want to know how we're doing.

Throughout 2008 & 2009, I tried to include information under various sub-headings: health concerns, prayer requests, etc. But I don't think that's really benefitting anyone, so for 2010, I'm just going to type stuff, and the blog will date/timestamp it; Hopefully, this simplified approach means I can provide more frequent updates, just not as concise as before.